A guide to non-entry sex. Everything from snogging to dry humping. Many people prefer this to ‘entry sex’.
This piece is taken from Sex Explained: A Real and Relevant Guide to Sex, Relationships and You.
Entry sex (penis or toy in mouth, vagina or anus) can be great, but it’s not the only thing on le Menu de Sexe. Non-entry can be as good or even better than entry sex because it requires people to use their imagination and to communicate about what kind of sex they like. Also some people don’t enjoy sex as much if it just involves genital on genital action.
This kind of sex is also really good for people who want to have sexy good times with someone but don’t want to have penetrative sex or deal with the risks of STIs or pregnancy: most young people do this ‘stuff’ before they do ‘it’. However, technically, all of this is probably still illegal if you’re under 16: but the likelihood of charges being pressed if the sex was agreed and you were a similar age is very low.
This kind of sex can be great for all couples and it counts as ‘real’ sex! Set your own limits and respect your partner’s limits. Listen hard to what your partner likes (#protip noises like ‘mmmmmm’, ‘oh yes’ and ‘carry on’ are all good) and let your partner know what you like.
“Our eyes met and I knew that we were going to kiss. We slowly moved towards each other. Our eyes were closed and we banged noses! I tilted my head slightly and our lips met. WOW! I was trembling. We each made ‘mmmmmm’ noises as we were excited and this made my skin tingle. Gradually we opened our lips a little bit and I felt Ash’s tongue, moving over my teeth onto my tongue: this felt like an electric shock!
I could taste lip balm and chewing gum. Our mouths were now locked together so tightly that we had to pull apart to breath. Then we both dried our lips a little and looked into each other’s eyes. Neither of us blinked. Then we leaned back on the sofa. Ash’s hand was behind the back of my head and neck. I stroked Ash’s back with my finger nails.
We did this for about 2 hours. When I stood up my legs felt like jelly and I was hot, out of breath and already looking forward to next time.”
Kissing, snogging, lipsing, pashing, getting off with someone, tongue tennis is ace: or it can be. It’s ace because it involves feel, taste, smell, sight, hearing. Your face is right up close to someone else which is fun and hot. It can make you feel quite close to someone or it can be just a fun thing to do. It’s not for everyone though: some people don’t like kissing because they think it’s a bit too intimate: their loss.
#protips Only snog people you fancy. Check your breath isn’t toxic. Start with mouth closed. Pout your lips so that they are plump and soft. Aim to plant your lips on each others. Making mmmmmmmm noises is sometimes good. Try slowly opening your mouths. Touch tongues. Explore each others mouth, tongue and fillings. Do it for ages.
“Kissing feels great, my favourite in fact, but sometimes I kiss my lover all over his face, his eyes, cheek, neck but not mouth. Teasing and holding back is extremely sexy!”
“Feeling wet kisses and warm breath on my ears and neck sends shivers down my spine. It turns me on when you whisper in my ear where you would like to touch me.”
Whispering and breathing in someone’s ear can feel really really nice to some people, others aren’t that keen on it. Whispering is also a great way of communicating, it can make it easier than saying it out loud. Saying how good something feels, or how sexy they are, or asking how they are feeling, or asking them if they want to do something else or where they would like to be touched can be very sexy.
#protips Not everyone likes it. If you can’t think of anything to say, just say mmmmmmm or for a joke ‘sweet nothings’ (ask your parents). Some people like a wet ear, others not, so maybe don’t slather them with your tongue. Some like their ear lobes to be gently nibbled.
Kissing can get pretty passionate and full on, which is why people do it. Sometimes people like to be bitten (or to bite) their snogging partner on the ear lobe or in the neck or shoulder. For some it can feel really really hot, others hate it. So it might be a good idea to ask someone if they would like to be bitten before asking them: for instance “do you like love bites?” “would you like to be nibbled” “can you gently bite my neck please.” If this isn’t your thing then please give them a clear “no I don’t like that.”
#protips Easy tiger, don’t take a chunk of flesh out of them! Love bites are just about giving them a gentle sharp nibble that hurts for a short period, think of it like being pinched. Ask how hard and where they want the bite, they leave marks (see the picture) which last for a couple of days. It can be embarrassing covering these up whatever age they are, so some people say below the neckline is fine but not above.
“It sent me crazy when she stroked my inner thigh and pubes for ages. I was so turned on that I thought I was going to explode with excitement.”
Stroking and massages feel great. Stroking someone through their trousers, leggings, tights, pants can also feel really really good. If that feels good then stroking around the genitals feels good too.
“I know it sounds stupid, but I love just grinding. It’s like we’re having full sex but with all our clothes on. It gets really, really hot and is completely safe, which is why it’s good.”
There’s a reason that young people grind or ‘dry hump’ each other: it’s hot and they are smart.
#protips Sometimes the roughness of fabric against penises or vulvas can cause chaffing (and this can lead to thrush sometimes), so maybe wear soft pants/trousers or try not to do it too roughly. Also be careful not to trap or sit on testicles (ouch).
“Lying next to my partner naked feels great. All that skin on skin contact is amazing whilst we’re using our fingers, caressing each other.”
Grinding is also something you can do naked, but remember to keep it safe you might want to keep your genitals away from each other or wear pants or wear condoms/dams. The chances of pregnancy and STIs are very low, but it’s possible: for more click here
“Kissing and licking nipples really makes my partner squirm. I take my time doing it licking around them and then maybe sucking them.”
Just cos you’re naked doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex if you don’t want to. Licking and kissing each others bodies can really turn people on. Some people have really really sensitive nipples and like them to be played with. You could also have a game of follow….
“We play this game where I put my fingers on my body and wherever my fingers go, his mouth goes. Wow it’s amazing!”
“I like being touched really lightly where I’ve never been touched before, like my wrists, the back of my arms, my kneecaps, then try somewhere more obvious.”
There are some obvious areas that might be described as being ‘erogenous zones’: breasts, neck, mouth, genitals, blah blah. BORING! The whole body can feel really really sexy and sensitive. Explore with your partner where they might like to be touched. Try touching yourself and your partner in different ways: sometimes hard is good, sometimes a light touch with fingernails is better.
“When it’s hot I like to run an ice cube around my partner’s body, but only on the outside of the body (ice burn: ouch!).” If it’s cold out try dribbling warm (not hot) drinks on each other: hot chocolate for instance, mulled wine (for the over 18s among you) and then licking it up.
“My advice is to take it really slowly and build up the excitement. Don’t just stick your tongue in their mouth and your hand down their pants! That just turns me off.”
Taking things slowly is good because then no-one feels pressured into going further than they want to, but also because it can be really really hot. However it can be frustrating if one person wants to go further than the other. It’s important to talk about this. Talk about what you want to do, what you are happy doing and what you want your partner to do. If it feels right then compromise, but if it doesn’t, don’t. For more on relationships go here
When someone gets really turned on blood rushes to the penis, testicles, clitoris and vagina: they swell up and feel really really sensitive. Having an orgasm can then release this tension, but the stuff I’ve suggested above might not lead to this.
If someone doesn’t have an orgasm their genitals can feel swollen and a bit tender afterwards. This happens to men and women: sometimes people can use this as an excuse to get their partner to give them an orgasm – this is not a good thing to do. Blue balls/vulvas are not harmful at all and can be relieved by having a solo masturbation session to orgasm, or a cold shower or flannel. For a great article about this go here
Got any more ideas? Leave a comment below.
Thanks to the following for the images: great work.
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:French_Kiss.JPG flickr.com/photos/seeminglee flickr.com/photos/zaphodsotherhead flickr.com/photos/33656773@N00 flickr.com/photos/balinto
How to Say Yes to Sex That You Want more about finding out and communicating what you do and don’t like
Dry Humping and Mutual Wanking a post for people worried about the risks of doing these really pretty safe things
What base is dry humping? You decide
How to Have Entry Sex if you want to have entry sex, how to do it safely and pleasurably
© Justin Hancock, 2012