So this is for people who are thinking about, or are already, having sexy times with someone. One of the great things about having sexy times with someone is that as well as seeing and hearing another person close up, we also are able to touch them and be touched.
They make this look really simple on screen. In TV, films and porn no-one has to talk about where they do and don’t like to be touched, this is because a) they are telepathic and b) it seems like everyone likes being touched in the same place. (Stating the bleedin’ obvious alert) THIS ISN’T TRUE because TV, FILMS AND PORN ARE MADE UP.
In real life some people like to be touched in certain places, others don’t. Some people like to be touched in some places at certain times and at other times not. Some people need to know someone really well before they have certain kinds of touch, other people are different.
So I think it’s really important that if we are going to have sexual touching with someone else that
a) we think about where we do and don’t like to be touched and
b) we think about how we are going to communicate this to someone else.
Something you could try doing is drawing an outline picture of your body and then ticking and crossing where you do and don’t like to be touched. You could draw yourself with or without clothes on (or both). You could draw yourself front and back.
If you don’t like drawing (or find this a bit difficult) you could use these outline drawings to help you (though you probably don’t look like this, so add more or cross out or re-draw various body parts).
Or if you don’t want to get your felt tips out you could explore your body by yourself and work out what kind of touch you like – you could say to yourself “I like my kneecaps to be touched” for instance (though probably best to do this in private, not on the bus).
You could take this a bit further. As well as ticks and crosses you could put question marks, or add notes about when and where you would like this, about how things might be different if you had all your clothes on or off, how you might feel in different kinds of relationships.
Next: how are you are going to communicate this to the person you might want to touch you?This is something which some people find easier than others.
Some people are cool with talking about this in advance, like: “right, I like to be touched here, here, here, here, here and here. Touch me here and I’ll scream. Tickle me and you’re dead.” They either do this in person or by text or email (yes sexting isn’t all bad). Some people find that this is easier the more they practise and the more comfortable they are feeling with the language they are using.
Others like to wait until touching starts and are more like: “um this is nice but could you move your hand here,” or “I really liked it when you are touching me here.”
Others prefer to use non-verbal communication, moving someone’s hand to where they like for instance. Or picking up on their partner’s “mmmmmm” noises. We can often tell from looking at someone’s face and into their eyes whether they are happy and enjoying a particular kind of touch.
Some people like to do all of this. Many people would say that this is the best way to go.
It can be difficult to really work out what we want and even more difficult to work out how to ask for it – particularly if we feel rejected, unconfident, not hot, not enough. But the saying “if you don’t ask you don’t get” is true. And even if we ask and don’t get, we are giving ourselves some love/power/strength/clout/big-ups by asking.
It’s totally up to you where you like and don’t like to be touched – just because other people like to be touched in a particular area doesn’t mean you have to. If someone insists on touching you somewhere you don’t like being touched (and you’ve made this clear to them), is this person respecting you and your needs?
What do you think? The comments box is open.
Here’s a great clip from friends about this (I don’t agree that there are 7 basic erogenous zones – (Sense of humour gland disabled))
Check this advice from Dr Marty Klein, who is a renowned sex therapist (my new dream job) about communicating wants and needs. I like the idea of having a safeword (even for non-power play sex).
For more related Bishness
Should I Have Sex? A guide to helping you decide whether you are ready for sexual touching with someone
How to Be Amazing at Sex Without Having Sex – different kinds of non-entry and non-genitals sexual touching
Ask Bish Body Image a question I answered …
Big Up For those times when you need to give yourself a bit of a self-esteem kick up the arse
Brief Guide to Relationships to make sure you are touching the right person
© Justin Hancock, 2012 bishtraining.com
Thanks to Petra, Meg, Fiona, Katherine, Jean and everyone at Sense About Sex yesterday. The ideas from the workshops and from the excellent people in my group inspired me to write this for the yutes – innit. Lovely working with you all.
