Tag Archives: Love

February 12, 2013 · 10:49 am

Affordable Valentines Day Ideas

Want to do something romantic for someone on Valentine’s Day (14th February, same day every year) but don’t have much cash (or want to stick two fingers up everyone trying to sell you something)? Here are a few ideas for romance that is affordable but also very generous.

Make a Mixtape

Making and listening to a mixtape that someone has made especially for you can be amazingly romantic. Listening to new music can be great, even listening to tracks you know in a different order or mixed next to something you don’t know can be exciting. People put together tracks because they think you will like them, or because the songs mean a lot to them, or because the songs say something to them about you both. It takes time and effort and so is an incredibly generous and thoughtful thing to do.

Pro-Tip Get started tonight (if you haven’t already), it’s something that people agonise over. Have you got a tune that you both know (many couples have ‘a song’)? If there are particular lyrics that you want your Valentine to notice you might want to write them somewhere or make them obvious. Also think about tagging them as an album so that it’s easier to rip and play as an MP3. Maybe create some cover art for it?

Get Creative With Cards, E Cards, Posters

Buying a Valentine’s card for someone that thousands of other people have also bought can be romantic I guess (*sceptical face*) but isn’t it better to give someone something that no-one else will get? So make your own! (Or buy a generic crap one and do some serious modding. Print something on top of it, or cut old ones up and use them in a collage. ValentinesHijack!)

If you’ve got a computer you could make your own graphic. All the graphics and illustrations on this site are done by me, I’m no illustrator or designer but I just have a go. The more you practise the better you get. I work in Inkscape, which is a totally free open source, legal, program similar to Adobe Illustrator. I love it as it’s so simple. You can draw your own images or paste images that you find online and do something with them (very simple idea – get a picture of Eros and write a message around it). Use fonts creatively (download a cool font at dafont). Use different colours and shapes. The great thing about using a program like this is that you can always hit the back button if it goes wrong. The great thing about graphics is that you can email it or paste it on their facebook wall.

Check out this graphic that Hey Kiddo created. Yours doesn’t have to look as good as this (she’s a pro) but make it look like it came from you.

Tell someone you fancy them

Tell someone you fancy them

If you’re more of a craft paper and pritt stick person then make your own actual card. Collages rock. Find images that your Valentine is into and cut them up. Cut quotes or headlines out of magazines or newspapers that have some relevance to you or your Valentine. Collage not your thing? Try making a pop up heart card. There are loads of vids on youtube about how to do this.

Roses Are Red, This Poem is Crap

Feel more poetic than arty? You could perhaps share your favourite poem with someone. Old school is good, Shakespeare, Yeats etc but they tend to be a bit heavy. Try John Hegley, he’s funny and romantic. You could share it by reading it, or copying it out as a card or recording a daft video of yourself reading it out.

Maybe try writing one yourself? I’d avoid Roses are red/Violets are blue unless you have something particularly brilliant to say. If you’re short on time limit yourself by the form – just try a Haiku or limerick for instance. Think of some key words or images that you want and then think about how you can put them together in a way that sounds good (it doesn’t have to rhyme). If you’re musical or have great flow, try doing a song/rap.

Romantic Dinner For Two

If you want to go out for dinner with someone, remember that it’s going to be more expensive than usual (though Wetherspoon’s pubs have got a good deal on Thursday). If you’re both short on cash talk about splitting the bill before hand. Or avoid going out for ‘dinner’ at all.

Sharing a pizza or a tub of ice cream sitting next to each other on a sofa or in your bedroom (if your parents allow that kind of thing). Even fried chicken dinners can be romantic if you put your mind to it. Sharing. Licking each other’s fingers. Feeding each other chips. Dim the lights, light a candle, put some nice tunes on (maybe that mixtape or listen to my friend’s radio show The Svelte One at Purple Radio, she’ll be playing some romantic tunage).

Have a lovely Thursday!

More Bish Romance

How To Tell Someone You Fancy/Like/Love Them

How To Tell People I Like Them

I Fancy My Friend’s Ex

Pro-Tips on How To Kiss

(PS got any more ideas? Put them in the comments below would you? Ta)

© Justin Hancock, 2013 bishtraining.com

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February 1, 2013 · 12:00 pm

A Sex Educator Sees The Sessions

So I went to see The Sessions (Yay 2 4 1 Wednesdays! Yay no annoying M&Ms advert). It’s a film about a man called Mark O’Brien who has a disability caused by Polio. The disability means he is unable to move his body “my muscles don’t work that well.” Although he can feel things and he can get a hard-on (more about this later). He also needs a breathing machine to live. He is 38 and has never had any kind of sexual experience with someone. He seeks advice about from a priest and from a sex therapist after which he decides to see a sex surrogate so that he can have sex.

A sex surrogate is someone in between a sex worker and a sex therapist. A sex therapist does not have sex with clients, a sex worker does – a sex surrogate offers therapy and actual sex. I won’t spoil the film but they meet up a few times and have sex which is really enjoyable for them both.

I loved it. It’s a great story, it’s funny and there’s some hot sex in it. Ticks. All. My. Boxes. But because I’m a sex educator and have to turn everything into some kind of learning experience I thought I’d write about what I learnt from it and what messages of the film are.

People With Disabilities Can Be Sexual

I know this sounds pretty obvious, or does it? Someone with a disability can have sex, sexual expression, thoughts and feelings. These sexual experiences may include sex with someone else or solo sex. People with disabilities are often seen as having a lots of wants and needs which are related to their disability rather than those related to them being a person. Sex, lust, love, friendship, hugs, expression, creativity, needing to be listened to and supported are all big time needs.

Having Sex Can Be Difficult, But This Might Not Have Anything To Do With Disability

In the film the problems around having sexy time were less to do with the physical issues of what Mark could and couldn’t do – more to do with Mark’s values and emotions coming into conflict with having sex and being close to someone.

Having great sex is not just about knowing where the clitoris is or what the penis does (though this helps – they are both in your pants), it’s also about how we feel about us & sex. Often this is about what we were taught (or not taught) from an early age. This could be spoken or unspoken, can come from people close to us, not so close to us, from religion, culture or media. They can be very big and can become our values – our beliefs about ourselves. They tell us what is expected of us, how we think we are seen and how we should behave.

So for Mark it wasn’t hard to have sex because he couldn’t move his body, it was difficult because of stuff his mum had taught him about him and sex and also what he had learnt from religion. In the film these values change a bit, he learns a bit more about himself and becomes more confident. When he does this he starts to enjoy sex and love more.

Focus On What People Can Enjoy

There was a very positive attitude to sex from the surrogate (Cheryl) who focused on what kind of touch Mark could enjoy. We all have limits on what we can and can’t do in sex and life, but we can still enjoy what we can and want to do.

Eg imagine being in a relationship with someone where the kind of sex you both want doesn’t match, or you don’t want sex as much as each other. Maybe a compromise could be reached but sometimes it’s best to try and make what you both want to do as good as it possibly can be.

Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk,Talk, Talk, Talk.

There was a lot of talking about sex in the film. Talking (and praying) about how it was making Mark feel anxious. Talking and listening to other people’s experiences of sex,including those with disabilities. Talking about what kind of touch Mark would like and what kind of sex other people enjoy too. Talking about how difficult it was to enjoy sex. Talking about how great the sex was (and the nice feelings that came with it).

Talking is important. Maybe sometimes it’s good to STFU and try to relax and breathe. But talking establishes what we like, what we might expect and how we’re feeling.
Words Are Sex Too

Mark is a poet. He wrote a poem in the film that was very powerful, erotic and loving. I’m always going on about what we can do with our bodies, but sometimes words can be very sexy.

Sex Isn’t Just Doing ‘It’

Mark wanted to have intercourse, to lose his virginity. Putting his penis inside someone meant a lot to him, but it wasn’t necessarily the best bit of sex (something one of his carers agreed with). I think that’s true for a lot of people, entry sex might feel important but that doesn’t mean it’s the best sex. Also first time sex may not be the best.

There was a lot of sex that wasn’t about intercourse or entry sex. Kissing, stroking, masturbation etc. But also pleasure in different environments, lying outside on grass on a warm day, the erotic charge of a motel room.

So, if you’re old enough (it’s a 15 in the UK) go see it! If you do, or have, let me know what you think below.

Shout out to Meg Barker who wrote this excellent excellent piece about it too http://rewritingtherules.wordpress.com/2013/01/28/what-can-we-all-learn-about-sex-from-the-sessions/

More related Bishyness

Finding out and communicating what you like

Have amazing sex without having sex

The right time to have sex

© Justin Hancock, 2013 bishtraining.com

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January 21, 2012 · 11:37 am

Ask Bish I Love Her But She Says She’s Straight

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October 30, 2010 · 3:48 pm

Brief Guide to Relationships

A guide to friends with benefits, how to argue, trust, fairness, independence and what to do if it ends.

This piece is taken from Sex Explained: A Real and Relevant Guide to Sex, Relationships and You.

Most people’s first sexual experiences are with girl/boyfriends. I think relationships are something we learn ourselves by doing – those of us who do the relationship thing are always learning and working things out. This guide should help you with some of the basics. As with most things in life, it’s ok to make mistakes in relationships but it’s a good idea to learn from our previous relationships to see what we can do better for us next time.

Lots of people worry about relationships. But hook ups, FWBs, seeing each other, dating, going out, boy/girlfriend, engaged, partnered, married are all relationships, just different types. You still need to respect and trust each other whether you are in love or in lust or whatever.

You’ve heard the expression, ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’? WRONG! Dating and relationships aren’t a battle, or a ‘game’. Be like a really good mate. Encourage rather than make them feel small. Be generous with your time and resources. Support them. Work together as a team. You should expect to feel this in return too.

Pressuring or forcing your partner to go beyond their sexual limits is VERY BAD. As is pressuring or forcing someone into being a parent, or get married, or to say they love you. If someone is pressuring you into going beyond your limits then you maybe should think about whether it’s the right relationship at the right time: no matter how good the best times might feel.

Good arguing isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about communicating what’s wrong and what’s upsetting you and listening to what your partner is saying to you. Try to stay calm so you can talk clear and listen hard. Try spending 5 minutes listening to your partner, giving them enough time and space to clarify what it is that is annoying them, then summarise what they just said to prove you were listening. Then change around so the other gets their say. That way stuff gets sorted.

Doing nice things for each other is, well, nice. Dates can be fun, romantic, sexy, close. You don’t need loads of cash to do lovely romantic things. Long walks, picnics in the park, random museum trips, make mixtapes and cards, candle-lit fried chicken dinners. If one person really wants all this and the other just wants to shag, it might be a sign you aren’t on the same page.

Remember that there’s a U in couple. Make sure you still spend time with your mates doing your own thing, or you’ll drive each other nuts. It’s often a sign of a bad relationship if your partner isn’t happy about this. It’s important to stick to your own game plan about what you have planned for your future too. This is because a) relationships often end and b) it makes your relationship stronger if you grow as individuals too.

Everyone has their own ideas about what’s acceptable in a relationship, but I think it’s important to be fair to each other. It’s a good idea to talk about this so that you both know what to expect from each other. For instance, is it ok to see other people? If so, is there a limit on this? Is this fair for both people? (Like, if it’s ok for one person to have other sex or romantic relationships can the other?)

Also make your own rules together about how decisions are made in the relationship that affect you. Eg “Why did you say we were going out on Saturday without asking me first?”

Lots of people think that trust is the most important element of a good relationship. For some people this means 100% honesty but other people think other things are more important, like: can you trust that they aren’t going to hurt you? Can you trust that they would do the right thing about safer sex? Are you their main squeeze? Do you believe what they say? What do you think (comments below please!).

Often relationships have to end. I think that it’s good to be as good and nice as you can about a break-up. For more about this visit my post about heartbreak here If you are sure that the relationship has to end: be clear, be honest and avoid giving mixed messages: for instance, don’t say you want to be friends if you don’t. You had some good times right?

But if your partner was dangerous, nasty, controlling, deliberately made you feel like total shit or was generally awful: be as bad and as loud as you like and just get out.

Here’s an amazing blog from someone’s diary when they were 15 about an abusive controlling relationship and how it happens. Read it, it will blow you away (click here) and follow her current website here

For more Bishness about relationships and you and ting

Relationships Graph: a tool for you to work out how healthy your relationship

Abusive Relationships: check out if you’re dating a total shit

Ask Bish: friends with benefits, still a ‘relationship’

Going on a date? here’s how to date

Heartbreak and break-ups It happens :-(

Big Up Yourself because the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself: sounds crap, but it’s true

© Bish Training (Justin Hancock), 2010

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February 14, 2010 · 12:03 am

How To Tell Someone That You Fancy or Like or Love Them (How to Pull)

How to chat to someone (including, ugh, chat up lines), flirting, turning a friendship into a romance and dropping the ‘L’ Bomb…

I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day to be honest but if it can spur people on to make a move on someone they fancy, like or love then I think it’s s a good thing. If you want to tell someone how you feel and the only reason you aren’t telling them is that you are scared of what they might say, then the following tips might help.

Get Chatting To Someone You Fancy

So there is someone you don’t know or know a little bit and you really fancy them. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to go over to there and chat to them, ask them their name, flirt a bit, make them laugh and to find out that they fancy you? Loads of people do this all the time, why not you?

So firstly you need to work on yourself. Read my blogs about self-esteem, a big up yourself and feeling gooooooood. To chat to someone you don’t know but fancy you need to feel confident, in the zone, buzzing. So wear your best pants, make sure you are looking hot, smelling nice and don’t have any random food in your teeth.

Listen to this from the excellent Buzz website

It should open up in your computer’s music player. It’s a short podcast on how to get in the zone to chat to someone you fancy.

Just approaching someone cold can be really difficult so try and find a good opportunity to go over and chat, look over in their direction a bit and smile so that they know what you are thinking. They might smile back and adjust their body so that they have a more welcoming stance.

There aren’t any particular chat up lines that always work and most people think that people that use them (especially men) are a bit sleazy. Try being e a little cheeky, friendly and flirty. My dad asked my mum for a ciggie.

Say that you like something they are wearing, or give them a random but nice compliment (great earrings, nice belt, great shoelaces). Talk about something you have in common, or ask what music they are into. Sometimes being quirky and funny can help: try to say something interesting that no-one would have said before.

Establish flirty eye contact, but don’t stare at them wide eyed like a weird serial killer (remember to blink!). Also don’t stare at their body. People love being paid compliments and being chatted to, but they also love being listened to. So show that you are listening by use of body language (don’t fold your arms, or yawn, turn your back or look at your watch) and be attentive and contribute to the conversation.

As for confidence, the only way to get that is to practice and you have to accept that you are going to get rejected a few times at first. You’ll feel like a prat for about 10 seconds and then you’ll get over it. Keep trying and it will get easier and you’ll get better.

Friends can help to boost your confidence and encourage you and also make you look good in front of the person you are chatting to, this is known as being a wingman (or woman). Also, don’t let your gender get in the way of chatting to someone: lots of women don’t chat to people because they think that this is not what they should do – how sad!

You could also send someone an ecard, like this one from the Smartphone Download section

Tell someone you fancy them

Lots of people get together with people that they were ‘friends’ with before. This can be nice because you already know each other and have lots of joint friends, it can also be a bit dull because you already know each other and have lots of joint friends.

So imagine that you have a friend and you realise that you want to be more than just friends (for example, the idea of them going out with someone else makes you sad). People worry about ‘losing the friendship’ if everything goes wrong or one person doesn’t fancy the other, I personally think that’s nonsense. Lots of people remain friends after a romance, it just depends on how good your friendship was in the first place.

How to do it? Well you could try the flirting tips from the first section but if you are good friends then they might not notice or they might think you weren’t being serious. You could try the age old method of getting a bit drunk and just getting off with each other but that often ends in tears because one person can think it was just a silly snog and the other can think it was true love.

I’m afraid the best way to deal with this is to tell them. Don’t make a big drama about it, just try something like “look I know we’re really good mates, but I think I fancy you and I’d like to snog you.” You could test the water by saying “I had this dream about you last night where we were snogging and it was great.”

If you are friends that already have sex but you want to be their boy/girl friend, stop having sex with them and then see what happens.

Hmmm tough one this!

Ideally you would tell your girl/boy friend that you love them at exactly the same time that they realised they love you and you both blurt it out simultaneously.  However life isn’t really like that.

Most of the time one person falls in love with someone before the other person and sometimes people can fall in love with someone who doesn’t love them back.

As soon as you tell someone you love them, whether they say they love you back or not, it puts the relationship in a much more serious place. So make sure that you are in love (or be as sure as you can be)

Like I’ve said before (not my best piece to be honest) it’s not easy to define what love is but I’ll try and describe some of the thoughts and feelings that someone in love might have (feel free to add more!)

  • you think about them all the time
  • they are the first person you want to tell when you get news (good or bad)
  • you feel like you can tell them anything
  • you can see a shared future
  • you think the same things
  • you miss them when they aren’t around
  • no-one else means the same to you
  • you just really feel it, know what I mean?

I can think of  some bad times to tell someone you love them

  1. On the first or even second date. (It usually takes people weeks, months or years to fall in love.)
  2. After sex (it doesn’t seem sincere when you say it after sex)
  3. When drunk or stoned or high (the other person might think it was the substance talking)
  4. In public (ever seen a public marriage proposal where the proposed to person doesn’t say yes? Brutal!)
  5. To try and make up after you have had an argument.

Make sure that they are in a good mood, relaxed and listening. You could try buttering them up with their favourite dinner or giving them a nice massage. Perhaps buy a nice little gift (flowers, chocolates, pint of ale, new shoelaces). And just say it. Three little words.

Try not to beg them to love you back and don’t make a big song and dance about it. You are strong enough to be honest about what you are feeling, if they feel the same great, if not, no sweat.

Outside this it’s really down to whether you think your b/g f feels the same way, or that you feel that if they don’t love you back that they at least like you very very much. One person declaring love doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed, just be patient and try and carry on as before.

Good luck!
How to get laid, how to get a boyfriend, how to get a girlfriend, how to tell someone you love them, how to tell someone you fancy them, i fancy you

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August 4, 2009 · 10:21 am

Love and Big Time Feelings

I realised today that I haven’t used the word ‘Love’ at all yet. I wonder why that is? Is it because Love is scary and big and difficult to talk about? Or is it the fact that men aren’t supposed to talk about Love? Is it because I’m British?

Dunno, but there is a lot of art, music, poetry etc about it. So why not send me your favourite things about love and I’ll put them here. If you have something you’d like me to put here then email me bishinformation@gmail.com

While we do that I’ll try and think of something interesting and informative to say about it. Brook THT FPA

This is by Paul Smith…..

RTEmagicC_paul-smith-love-wall-hanging-1.jpg

And The Flaming Lips wrote a song called: ‘What is the Light? (An untested hypothesis suggesting that the chemical [in our brains] by which we are able to experience the sensation of being in love is the same chemical that caused the “Big Bang” that was the birth of the accelerating universe)’

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Flaming+Lips/_/What+Is+the+Light%3F

Justin

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August 1, 2009 · 9:43 pm

Should I Have Sex? The right time for you to have sex, explained

When the right time to have sex is is up to you (though you need to be over 16 for it to be legal). Here’s some stuff to think about so that you are less likely to regret it if you do do it.

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July 24, 2009 · 5:11 pm

Female Sexual Body Parts

A guide to the Vulva, Clitoris, Labia, Vagina, Prostate and the G-Spot area.

This piece is taken from Sex Explained: A Real and Relevant Guide to Sex, Relationships and You.

Girls are often taught not to refer to their sexual body parts directly and to use terms like ‘lady parts’, or ‘private parts’ or ‘down there’.  The outer sexual anatomy is called the vulva: this includes the lips (labia), pubic hair, the clitoris, the urethra, the vagina and the vaginal corona. We talk frankly and honestly here at Bish.

Female sexual body parts are possibly not quite as easy to see as male ones: many young women like to have a look at theirs with a hand mirror between their legs. The more someone knows and understands their body, the more likely they will learn how to look after it, know when something is wrong, know how it functions and understand how it can give us pleasure.

So let’s start with the Labia

Labia (sometimes called vaginal lips or even ‘flaps’ by some people) are there to protect the clitoris, urethra and vagina. When someone is feeling really sexy (turned on/hot/etc) their labia fill with blood and swell up. They also part to reveal the clitoris and vagina and often feel moist when aroused. There are two sets of lips the inner lips and the outer lips. As you can see in the pictures above, they come in different shapes and sizes. For instance, sometimes the inner lips stick out above the outer lips sometimes not.

Pubic Hair

Lots of people shave or trim their pubic hair but lots don’t. Remember pubes have a function. Without them you might get more friction burns, spots or ingrowing hairs.

Urethra (pee hole)

Lots of people don’t realise that they don’t pee out of the vagina. Above the vagina but below the clitoris is a small opening where urine leaves the body. This is also where fluid (not urine) leaves the body when some people ejaculate. It’s also possible to get in infection in the urethra, this is know as a urinary tract infection. To prevent this it’s often advised to urinate after having entry sex.

Vagina

When someone is feeling sexy their vagina will get wetter, more relaxed and stretchy. It has loads of nerve endings on the outside and inside and feels really nice to touch and entry sex in the vagina (with a penis, fingers or a toy) can feel really really good. It is between 4.5 and 6 inches long. So long as the female is feeling relaxed, comfortable and very happy to be having sex, sex in the vagina should not feel painful – it should feel good.

Cleaning The Vagina

Vaginas have a natural scent, which varies from person to person. Lots of people like this smell, or don’t mind it, but some people don’t like it. You should take care when cleaning the vagina. The vagina has it’s own pH levels (acidity levels) caused by the natural discharge (whiteish fluid) which travels along the vaginal canal – this discharge cleans the vagina. That’s right the vagina cleans itself (clever vagina). Getting any soap or too much water into the vagina can change the pH levels which can stop the vagina from self-cleaning, this can cause an infection which makes the vagina sore and smelly. So really, the best way to clean the vagina is to leave it alone!

This is thin folds of skin tissue at the opening of the vagina (which used to be called the hymen). Fingers or penises or tampons can stretch it during first time sex. Occasionally it might bleed or hurt when it’s stretched for the first time, but not for most. For more about the vaginal corona go here It used to be said that the ‘hymen’ is a membrane of skin tissue which breaks: this is no longer accurate.

The clitoris is the key for sexual pleasure for most women. Unless it is touched, stroked, licked or buzzed with a vibrator directly most females would not be able to have an orgasm.

If you look at the Vulva image above you’ll see that the clitoris looks quite small (about the size of a pea), but that’s only the bit that you can see. If you look at this image above you’ll see that the clitoris is actually really big. It is behind the labia and surrounds the vagina.

When a female is feeling sexy the clitoris fills with blood and swells up. The outside part doubles in size (so it’s the size of a large pea) and feels hard. It is packed with nerve endings (it has around 8000 nerve endings, this is twice as many as the end of the penis) and is very very sensitive. This is why lots of people like to touch it lightly at first (perhaps through the clitoral hood).

Here you can see a cross section inside view of the vagina. We (well not me, researchers and scientists) are still discovering new things about the vulva. There has been a lot of debate about the prostate gland (formerly known as the Skene’s Gland) and the G-Spot in recent years.

Prostate Gland

There is a gland similar in shape and size to the male prostate which surrounds the urethra (it varies in position). Some females ejaculate a fluid (similar to semen) when they orgasm. This fluid comes out of the urethra and because of this a lot of people have confused it with urinating (lots of women report that they feel like they want to pee when they are close to having an orgasm). Urination before sexy times can prevent this feeling during sex.

G Spot

Many people find that the upper or front wall of the vagina has an area which is particularly sensitive to the touch and can have orgasms from having this area stimulated – many people call this the G-spot. Not all women like this area to be touched but some really do (there are some sexual positions which can enhance stimulation to this area). We don’t know why some people like this area to be touched, some people think it’s because it presses up against the prostate gland (and can cause some to ejaculate).

For a video from me about this click here

For the abstract of the original research about female ejaculation go here

Want more?

Clitoris – the video

Female Reproductive Organs womb, fallopians and ting…

Female G Spot and Ejaculation – the video

Ask Bish Female Ejaculation

Fertility Explained

Am I Normal?

Pubic Privates: they’re your pubes, shave them if you want to.

This information available in a leaflet for purchase for educators and healthcare practitioners. Click here for details

All images and text © Justin Hancock 2010 Bish Training

PA

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