Tag Archives: Trust
Why people sext, how to practise safer sexting and why sexting can be a problem
*under age porn panic klaxon*.
Sending sexy texts doesn’t have to involve a picture at all. It’s important to talk about what kind of sex is a turn on, how you like to be touched, when and where you want to have sex etc etc (more about that here). Lots of people find it easier to ‘sexy talk’ via text or email because they can think about what they want to say. Also if you don’t get to have much private time together it’s a way of talking and connecting with your partner about sex.
But, as loads of young people have phones that have cameras with email or bluetooth, it’s now easy to take a sexy picture and to send it to someone else (though only a small minority of young people do this).
Lots of couples like to send each other sexy pics (and always have, especially since digital cameras have removed the need for films to be sent off to the developers). It can be something to remember the other person by (particularly if they are apart geographically) or a way of communicating sexually with the other person.
Most people that choose to do this don’t have any problem at all and are happy with what they are doing. This is particularly true in relationships where there is trust and clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t acceptable.
If you know that your partner would like a sexy image, you are really up for it, you are both over 18, you totally trust each other not to share it (even if you break up) and you can deal with the risk that someone else could see it: then do it. Don’t go further than you want to, just as with any kind of sex. To limit the risks even further you could leave your head out of the picture (or blur it with an image editor) or just keep the image on your phone rather than sending it.
However sending each other sexy images or videos can be cause problems. Particularly if you or your partner are under 18.
First up, it can be quite a serious criminal offence to make a sexy image if someone in the image (or vid) is under 18. Someone taking an image with an under 18 year old in it is basically making child porn (even if taking a picture of themselves). Having that image on your phone, sending it to others and putting that image on a website (like facebook for instance) are all criminal offences too. If the Police get involved and decide to prosecute then someone making, possessing or distributing these images can run the risk of imprisonment and being treated as a sex offender.
It isn’t common for young people to be charged with these offences, particularly if they were both consenting to do this and the pictures didn’t get out of their hands. But be careful. If someone sends you a pic of someone who is under 18 you could get in serious trouble, even for having it on your phone.
If you have had images shared without your permission then even if you have technically broken the law, the police will be more interested in charging people who have shared your images without your agreement. So please do come forward and tell an adult you trust, or go to the Police, as they will see you more like a victim than as an offender.
Secondly, your picture or video may end up getting seen by someone other than the person you sent it to. You might find it hot that your partner is looking at your picture, but what if he/she shows other people, or what if her/his phone gets nicked, or what if someone steals the images? It’s possible for people to put these images up online (such as facebook) and then loads of other people can view and comment on your pics.
Legally if you make a picture then you own it. This means that you can have pictures taken down if you report it to the website. Also like above, if anyone in the picture is under 18 then they are handling child porn so they can be forced by the Police to take images down.
Think about celebrity sex tapes (and read this fantastic piece about it from guest blogger Reni here). Most of the celebrities in these tapes didn’t want their videos to be on the internet and they had to take legal action to have them taken down. Is it cool to watch those even when you know they were taken without the consent of the person in it? Remember that we are all responsible, if we watch them then we are encouraging it.
For more about Porn, the law and sex
Sex and the Law more about other ways that you can busted for having sex
Relationships Graph how much do you trust and feel safe with the person who you might make a porn video with?
Abusive Relationships check out whether you are in a healthy relationship
Celebrity Sex Tapes from Team Bish member Reni.
© Justin Hancock, bishtraining.com 2011
For evidence about sexting (sexting is NOT the norm amongst young people) go here
For a free resource for practitioners go here
Watch this video from CEOP. It is very much worst case scenario. Also, apart from telling advising young people to go to the CEOP website it doesn’t give very much advice apart from ‘don’t do it.’ It’s well made anyway, and this stuff does happen, just not very much. If you want to watch it, think about the questions below.
Who is to blame for what’s happened in the video? The girlfriend? The boyfriend? How can someone be a good friend to her? Is it right that other people are looking and commenting on her pictures? What can the school do? What can parents do? What can the police do? Would it be different if the boy sent a sexy pic to her? Why? How could this have been prevented apart from not sending the picture?
A guide to friends with benefits, how to argue, trust, fairness, independence and what to do if it ends.
This piece is taken from Sex Explained: A Real and Relevant Guide to Sex, Relationships and You.
Most people’s first sexual experiences are with girl/boyfriends. I think relationships are something we learn ourselves by doing – those of us who do the relationship thing are always learning and working things out. This guide should help you with some of the basics. As with most things in life, it’s ok to make mistakes in relationships but it’s a good idea to learn from our previous relationships to see what we can do better for us next time.
Lots of people worry about relationships. But hook ups, FWBs, seeing each other, dating, going out, boy/girlfriend, engaged, partnered, married are all relationships, just different types. You still need to respect and trust each other whether you are in love or in lust or whatever.
You’ve heard the expression, ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’? WRONG! Dating and relationships aren’t a battle, or a ‘game’. Be like a really good mate. Encourage rather than make them feel small. Be generous with your time and resources. Support them. Work together as a team. You should expect to feel this in return too.
Pressuring or forcing your partner to go beyond their sexual limits is VERY BAD. As is pressuring or forcing someone into being a parent, or get married, or to say they love you. If someone is pressuring you into going beyond your limits then you maybe should think about whether it’s the right relationship at the right time: no matter how good the best times might feel.
Good arguing isn’t about winning and losing, it’s about communicating what’s wrong and what’s upsetting you and listening to what your partner is saying to you. Try to stay calm so you can talk clear and listen hard. Try spending 5 minutes listening to your partner, giving them enough time and space to clarify what it is that is annoying them, then summarise what they just said to prove you were listening. Then change around so the other gets their say. That way stuff gets sorted.
Doing nice things for each other is, well, nice. Dates can be fun, romantic, sexy, close. You don’t need loads of cash to do lovely romantic things. Long walks, picnics in the park, random museum trips, make mixtapes and cards, candle-lit fried chicken dinners. If one person really wants all this and the other just wants to shag, it might be a sign you aren’t on the same page.
Remember that there’s a U in couple. Make sure you still spend time with your mates doing your own thing, or you’ll drive each other nuts. It’s often a sign of a bad relationship if your partner isn’t happy about this. It’s important to stick to your own game plan about what you have planned for your future too. This is because a) relationships often end and b) it makes your relationship stronger if you grow as individuals too.
Everyone has their own ideas about what’s acceptable in a relationship, but I think it’s important to be fair to each other. It’s a good idea to talk about this so that you both know what to expect from each other. For instance, is it ok to see other people? If so, is there a limit on this? Is this fair for both people? (Like, if it’s ok for one person to have other sex or romantic relationships can the other?)
Also make your own rules together about how decisions are made in the relationship that affect you. Eg “Why did you say we were going out on Saturday without asking me first?”
Lots of people think that trust is the most important element of a good relationship. For some people this means 100% honesty but other people think other things are more important, like: can you trust that they aren’t going to hurt you? Can you trust that they would do the right thing about safer sex? Are you their main squeeze? Do you believe what they say? What do you think (comments below please!).
Often relationships have to end. I think that it’s good to be as good and nice as you can about a break-up. For more about this visit my post about heartbreak here If you are sure that the relationship has to end: be clear, be honest and avoid giving mixed messages: for instance, don’t say you want to be friends if you don’t. You had some good times right?
But if your partner was dangerous, nasty, controlling, deliberately made you feel like total shit or was generally awful: be as bad and as loud as you like and just get out.
Here’s an amazing blog from someone’s diary when they were 15 about an abusive controlling relationship and how it happens. Read it, it will blow you away (click here) and follow her current website here
For more Bishness about relationships and you and ting
Relationships Graph: a tool for you to work out how healthy your relationship
Abusive Relationships: check out if you’re dating a total shit
Ask Bish: friends with benefits, still a ‘relationship’
Going on a date? here’s how to date
Heartbreak and break-ups It happens
Big Up Yourself because the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself: sounds crap, but it’s true
© Bish Training (Justin Hancock), 2010