How To Have Sex

The basics for how to have good sex, especially for having sex for the first time. Talking and arousal are more important than positions and orgasms.

A post about how to have really good sex, even if it's for the first time

If you are going to have vaginal or anal sex with toys*, fingers or penises, I think that you should know how to make it as pleasurable as possible as well as making it safe.

Remember that if you are young, not in a relationship, not aware of how your body works or how to stay safe then please do other stuff instead  or don’t do it at all. Also remember the legal age to have sex is 16 (which is the average age when people first do it). If you aren’t physically or emotionally ready to have sex, you might regret it.

* Sex toys, not lego. 

Take Your Time

First time sex can sometimes be a bit more difficult than you think. It can be over really quickly, or can take ages and get a bit tiring, it can be a bit painful (if you aren’t relaxed, turned on or moist) and it can be a bit embarrassing. This is why sex in a trusting relationship is often better because you can communicate more easily about what you want, but also you know that the other person cares about whether you like it. It can feel lovely and can make you feel very close to the other person.

It’s important to take your time for first time sex, yes to ‘make it special’, but also to make sure that you both have enough time to get comfortable, get turned on and to actually enjoy it. Quickies can be fun, but probably not for first time sex. I know that young people don’t get that much private time where they can be alone, but try and give yourself a couple of hours.

Find a Good Place To Have Sex

Young people often don’t have their own flats or have enough cash for a hotel room, so finding somewhere to do it can be tricky. However you should be inside, in a private space where you can close the door. It should just be the two of you and you know that no-one will interrupt. In order to enjoy sex (and to get turned on enough to enjoy sex) you need to be relaxed and comfortable. Being worried about being interrupted (eg a parent coming back from work) can seriously affect erections and vaginal lubrication.

Sometimes parents or carers will allow their kids to do it in their house, or might ‘turn a blind eye’  if they go out for an evening, or they might not. Remember it can be difficult for parents to deal with this: what would you do if you were a parent of a teen?

Make Sure You’re Both Really Turned On

If you aren’t really feeling it then don’t do it! Both people need to be turned on and relaxed for sex to feel good.

If a female is really turned on then her vagina will usually be quite moist; if it isn’t then the sex may feel painful, especially if the vaginal corona is tight. The vagina expands and relaxes when sexually aroused (turned on), this means that fingers, a toy or a penis should slide in without it hurting. Getting turned on can take longer for girls than guys , so stroking, nibbling, kissing, holding, is very important.

For more about the vagina and the importance of touching the clitoris go here

For extra wetness use some water based lubricant: for anal sex or sex with toys, use loads of it (the anus doesn’t respond to sexual arousal in the same way as the vagina does). Water based lube is safe to use with condoms.

It’s also important for males to be turned on before they have sex. If you’re planning on entry sex with a penis then the penis needs to be hard. It can be hard to get a hard on sometimes: nerves, pre-sex tension, worries (‘will they like it’, ‘this is the first time anyone has seen my hard on’, ‘will their parents be back soon’ etc) can all seriously affect the hardness of a penis. Once an erection arrives it can soon go away too. Getting turned on is more than just having a hard penis, you have to be really feeling up here (*points to brain*) too.

For more about erections and penises go here

Male and Female Sexual Arousal From Penis in Vagina Sex

Not everyone experiences pleasure and arousal in the same way. Although it can take the same time for males and females to have an orgasm it depends on the kind of sex they have. Usually males orgasm more easily from penis-in-vagina sex than females. So as the graph shows, if a male and female have sex and she is not really turned on first, she won’t be enjoying sex nearly as much as him. This is why foreplay and feeling comfortable and relaxed is really important before entry sex.

So if you are having sex with someone it’s important to talk about the kind of sex that you can both enjoy. The key is to remember that it’s different for everyone and that not everyone is going to respond in the same way to each other. There’s a lot more to sex than just entry sex.

If You’re Having Entry Sex

They make entry sex look dead easy in films – one person gets in between the legs of the other and easily slides into them -  but it’s not as easy as it looks. If you’re doing it for the first time then it’s a good idea to masturbate each other for a bit first. You could also insert a wet, finger inside your partner first. Do this slowly and carefully. When your partner is more relaxed you can move your finger around and then insert another finger. This makes the opening big enough to insert a penis or toy. It helps for other person to guide their partner to the right place.

Then put the hard penis (inside a condom) or toy inside, slowly at first, then gradually build up the speed and hardness. Once the penis is sliding in and out easily you can decide to move more quickly and hard, or do it slowly and deeply. It’s important to check out with each other all the way through that it’s feeling good. Keep talking and look at the face and eyes of each other to check that you’re both enjoying it.

Finding The Right Position

In my opinion people are a bit obsessed with the right position for sex. Finding the right position depends on what you both like, how mobile you are and what kind of sex you want. There are no rules and no magic positions: just do what feels good. If you’re doing it for the first time it might be best to choose a position where you are both facing each other. Communication (both with or without words) is easier when you can see each others faces.

There are no magic positions but you may find that some are more comfortable than others

Keep Talking and Listening

Talking is very important in sex, as is listening. If your partner is doing something that you really don’t like, or something you haven’t agreed to, then STOP.

However if your partner is doing something that isn’t great but not bad, then you could encourage them to do what you do like by saying things like “you’re really good at …” or “when you do it this way it feels amazing.” Think about saying exactly what you want and what your limits are, before having sex.

Talk about what sex you want with your partner in advance, OMG Yes, Not For Me, Hmmmm

You can talk to each other about what feels good while you’re doing it. But remember we can also communicate through other noises, facial expressions and the way we touch each other.

For example if someone is saying ‘mmmmmm’ that’s great, if they’re saying something that sounds more like ‘ow’ that’s not so great. People get confused about what they see and hear in porn when it comes to sex noises. There’s a lot of screaming and shouting in porn which to some ears sounds like it’s hurting – usually that’s just not very good acting. Sex noises are usually a lot more subtle in real life. Someone really enjoying sex could just be breathing more heavily and quickly, like a mild asthma attack (though of course, it could just be an asthma attack).

Checking out your partner’s facial expressions can give you a clue as to how much they are enjoying it – good eye contact and a smile is a sign that things are great. However sex faces can sometimes be a bit confusing, some people screw up their faces sometimes which can look like it’s hurting when they are actually just concentrating. If in doubt, ask: “Is this ok?” or “how’s this?” Whisper it if you feel a bit shy.

Sexing couples can also touch each other to show that they are enjoying it. Holding hands and arms and giving an occasional squeeze can indicate whether a particular thing they are doing is good or not. It’s also ok to physically move your partner’s hand, fingers or body if you’d rather they did something else.

OMG Orgasms Explained

Great sex doesn’t have to have to be involve orgasms, but lots of people like to try and have one when they have sex. Remember that often women find it more difficult to orgasm from sex than men. It takes women longer than men to get turned on and also just penetration doesn’t do it for most women (only something like 30% of females can orgasm from vaginal sex).

Having an orgasm, from penetration, at the same time as your partner, is rare and is something that happens in films, TV and books more than in real life. For example in 50 Shades of Grey between page 118 and 122 Grey and Steele have two lots of simultaneous orgasms – this is a fantasy.

Some people have trouble working out whether they are having an orgasm during sex. In a sense it doesn’t really matter so long as they are feeling sexual pleasure from it. Masturbation is they best way to help you to understand what turns you on and can make sex better as it’s often easier to have orgasms alone (with your own hands and fingers) than with someone.

How Good Should Sex Feel?

If you do all of this, with someone you like and trust, then sex can feel pretty amazing. How great sex feels is difficult to say but sometimes it feels nice, comforting, intimate. Sometimes it feels exciting, exhilarating, passionate, knee trembling. Sometimes both! If it feels bad, disgusting, scary-in-a-bad-way, unsafe, boring, just something you are doing because you think you ought to: then why are you doing it at all?

Ask Bish | Help Me Overcome My Sex Fear Agony Uncle advice from me.

Should I Have Sex? Looking at some of the good and bad reasons for having sex, why people regret sex and how to make it really good

Doing Stuff if you aren’t ready for ‘entry sex’ but might wanna try dry humping

Consent, Innit On why it’s important to ask first and how hard that can be

How to Use Condoms including a video of me showing you how it’s done

Sex Without Making Babies your guide to contraception, with links to more detailed posts about different methods.

Sex Infections use condoms to massively reduce your risk of getting an infection

© Justin Hancock, Bish Training 2011

If you are over 15 you are allowed to watch this educational video about how to have sex from the people that brought you South Park.

52 Comments

Filed under Not Doing 'It', Doing 'It' and Doing 'Stuff'

52 responses to “How To Have Sex

  1. nisha

    very good and challenging

  2. Becca

    i know this is weird but can you do how to hump a pillow? I get very horny (just so you know I am 19) but my boyfriend is never home because he has to work to pay some of the bills…. so i just want to know how to hump a pillow so if he ever is home we can hump each other and have sex

    • bishtraining

      It’s not weird! Lots of people hump pillows. Lots of people find that it gives them just the right amount of pressure on their clitoris and the vulva generally. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it. Perhaps try lying face down on a bed and position the pillow between your legs and then just move your hips around. For more about masturbation in general go here http://bishuk.com/2009/10/26/how-to-masturbate/

      Hope this helps!

      Justin/Bish

    • holly

      Try being in private and taking all your clothes off and shag the pillow and when your bf is home tell him how your feeling and ask him if he will help you or even mayde be have a shag with you if he does make sure you are close and have a good think about it but if you are remember to where a condom !!!

  3. This may be weird and everything, but Im very horny, and Im not old enough to have sex. I watch horny things, and I feel tingly down there. Why is that? Oh and, Im a girl b.t.w.

    • holly

      Try shagging a pillow and when you meet someone and then get a bit older then you can get in it with him but don’t rush into having sex.

  4. hassan ahmad

    im 9 and im a boy and ill love to have sex but im not old enough to do it what should i do plz help

  5. lyn

    how can i be sure that i wont be pregnant if my boyfriend wont use condom when we’ll have sex ? he said he’ll just do self control.. he wont cum inside me so our cells wont meet then i wont get pregnant, is that true??

    • Jenna Taylor

      No it’s not true, sperm leaks out the penis no matter what, if he won’t wear a condom maybe you should try femidoms (condoms for women) or the pill, there are lots of different things you can do to prevent pregnancies but definitely if your not planning on getting pregnant use some kind of protection

    • bishtraining

      Hi Lyn
      You can’t be sure that you won’t get pregnant. If you have penis in vagina sex there is no method of contraception which is 100% safe. Withdrawal of the penis (like you describe) can be reasonably effective if it’s done properly, however because it’s so hard to do properly that many people get pregnant from doing this. I’ve explained more here http://bishuk.com/2011/10/12/withdrawal-before-coming/

      But you are putting yourself at risk of a Sexually Transmitted Infection. If he’s had sex with someone without condoms before he could have an infection that he could give to you (even if he doesn’t ejaculate inside you). Also you could give him an infection if you’ve had unprotected sex.

      Also (this is the most important point I want to make to you) should you be having sex with this guy at all? A good boyfriend is someone that will want to take care of your health. If he respected you and valued you and your health he would use a condom even though he didn’t like using them. Some things are more important than whether a condom feels good or not. If he’s not letting you have your say about your own health choices you could perhaps consider ending this particular relationship.

      Check out my relationship graph here http://bishuk.com/2011/07/13/relationship-graph/ How well is he scoring? Do you trust him? Does he care about you? Is this a guy you want to call your boyfriend?

      If he is, great. Some guys have genuine problems using condoms. He could watch my video about this here http://bishuk.com/2010/10/03/staying-hard-using-condoms/ which has some advanced user tips to make using condoms easier. Also he could watch my video on how to use condoms http://bishuk.com/2009/07/11/how-to-use-condoms/

      You could also consider having non-penis in vagina sex. For instance you could have really great non-entry sex, which has all the excitement but non of the risk of entry sex http://bishuk.com/2009/07/22/how-to-be-an-amazing-lover-without-having-sex/

      You could consider (as Jenna says below) using a more effective method of contraception (birth control). More about this http://bishuk.com/2009/08/01/contraception-sex-without-making-babies/

      Hope this helps

      Justin

  6. Im 9 years old and i love having sex, but because im not old enough what shall i do ? im a girl by the way.

  7. Travis

    I’m a 13 year old boy and everything turns me on. Can you tell me how to masturbate with a travel neck pillow? Please reply.

  8. Kirston

    After reading this, I still honestly don’t know how to have sex. I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 17. He keeps (I guess I would call it) Pressuring me to “Have it” with him. I do want to do it with him, but I’m still really scared to do it, at the same really want to. Any tips or hints on how to overcome my fears??? :O

  9. e

    im 13 y/o and i have a sex/porn/gay/lesbian/everything else problem. have ruined my moms computer from porn sites abd need help to stop. i want sex ALL the time, its insane. please help me

    • Sophia

      Jesus is definitely a start, but if you aren’t a fan of God (which is the best bet for your multiple problems), I would totally suggest counseling.

  10. Holly

    Hi, I am 12 and I really want to have sex, but I know I am too young, can u give me something to make me feel like I am having sex. Maybe with a pole or pillow or something.
    I am very horny and I need to like get my hand and rub my Virginia until it stops tingling help me????

  11. deanna

    hey umm im 14 and i have a bf over sea we telk onilne and well i get horny is it ok to have like sex onilne

  12. Marina

    Hi I’m 17 and a girl and my boyfriend is 19. He had only had sex twice before he and I started, and he and I done it several times and he always uses a condom, but I was just wondering if its possible for a girl to get pregnant even if the guy wears a condom, because my period’s kind of late. I took two pregnancy tests today and both were negative. Any helpful advice? Or do I need to get in contact with Planned Parenthood?

    • bishtraining

      It’s *possible* but very unlikely (unless the condom broke and he ejaculated inside you – condom breakages are often quite obvious). The most likely scenario is that your period is late just because periods can be random – particularly for teenage women. This should explain why that is http://bishuk.com/2010/09/14/female-fertility-explained/ You are probably not pregnant and this is what the tests are saying. However you could take a trip to Planned Parenthood if you want some more peace of mind.

      If you are concerned about avoiding pregnancy you could continue using condoms and use another method of contraception such as birth control pills, implant, IUD, IUS etc (more about this here http://bishuk.com/2009/08/01/contraception-sex-without-making-babies/ )

      Or you could continue using condoms but also avoid him ejaculating inside you. This would reduce your pregnancy risks even further (although the risk of pregnancy from using condoms is very low – they are 98.5% effective).

      Hope this helps!

      Justin

  13. s

    i want sex alot of the time i love having sex only thing is it feels great but i dont seem to have an orgasam he cums inside me and i feel i want more so i end up watching pon and playing with my self help

    • Sophia

      You need a new sex partner. He doesnt please you.

    • bishtraining

      Not everyone can have an orgasm from entry sex. Most females (for instance) need external stimulation of the clitoris in order to enjoy sex to the full. It’s fine to continue pleasuring yourself after your partner has cum, he should know that it would be ok (and good) for him to help you out too, or be involved in some way (if this is what you want).

      If he doesn’t show any interest in how much you’re enjoying sex or in trying to meet your sexual needs then perhaps he isn’t the right person for you to be having sex with right now. Have you seen my Relationships Graph? http://bishuk.com/2011/07/13/relationship-graph/ Check it out, it might help you to think about whether this is the right relationship for you at the moment.

      Hope this helps

      Justin

      • s

        the thing is we have been together 3 years now and when we first got together we used to do it all the time and i dident have a problem then but now we dont do it as much as we used to could that be why or do you think there is more to it than that do u think its me

    • bishtraining

      It’s very difficult for me to say, but sometimes sexual problems are symptomatic of relationship issues. Do you feel like your needs are being met in the non-sexual aspects of your relationship?

  14. Anthony

    I’m 9 and I want to have sex. I’m a boy.

    • s

      im not encoraging u to have sex but you are too young you need to find things that distract you from the feelings you are having ie pc games xbox ect if all else fails then i dont see its wrong for you to go somewhere quied and where you cant be distracted and pleasure your self ie masturbate there is no harm in that but i would try other distractions first

    • bishtraining

      You are too young to have sex.

  15. I want to know how sex is doing

  16. Charlotte

    I am 16 i want to have sex but i dont know how to ask my bf!

  17. sam

    Hello
    I m 21 male, how many times can i do masturbation in a month,if i do 4 times in a month it ll causes any my health problem

  18. M&M

    crap im 111 & i sstill love to have sex!

  19. Mattew

    What if your 13 and have had sex several times? Lol.. Not saying i have or anything….

  20. emily

    Are there any other sex positions than the ones on the above info coz me and my bf need a harder one!

  21. rose

    does it heart the first time

  22. joseph h

    love sex. A guy can masturbate by lubricating his hand and sliding it up and down his penis. nothing compares to vaginal sex

  23. This is a great website my first time having sex was at fifteen which was this yr. And I had my child this year I’m twenty years old.the first time was great for me because I got so horny and wet it worked out good until I turned out pregnant and I’m just in the ninth grade.

  24. john smith

    Hi, I am john. My age is 14 and i have been humping a pillow and i was wondering if it is werid thnx.

    - john

  25. v

    i’m 11 years old girl.i cannot stop wanting to sex.what should i do?

  26. Hannah

    you should not hump anything…. wait to you are the right age to hump somthing. think about what else you could do insted of hump something like watch tv or play a game!