The Bish guide to having good sex, especially for the first time. Talking and arousal are more important than positions and orgasms.
If you are going to have vaginal or anal sex with toys*, fingers or penises, I think that you should know how to make it as pleasurable as possible as well as making it safe.
Remember that if you are young, not in a relationship, not aware of how your body works or how to stay safe then please do other stuff instead or don’t do it at all. Also remember the legal age to have sex is 16 (which is the average age when people first do it). If you aren’t physically or emotionally ready to have sex, you might regret it.
* Sex toys, not lego.
Take Your Time
First time sex can sometimes be a bit more difficult than you think. It can be over really quickly, or can take ages and get a bit tiring, it can be a bit painful (if you aren’t relaxed, turned on or moist) and it can be a bit embarrassing. This is why sex in a trusting relationship is often better because you can communicate more easily about what you want, but also you know that the other person cares about whether you like it. It can feel lovely and can make you feel very close to the other person.
It’s important to take your time for first time sex, yes to ‘make it special’, but also to make sure that you both have enough time to get comfortable, get turned on and to actually enjoy it. Quickies can be fun, but probably not for first time sex. I know that young people don’t get that much private time where they can be alone, but try and give yourself a couple of hours.
Find a Good Place To Have Sex
Young people often don’t have their own flats or have enough cash for a hotel room, so finding somewhere to do it can be tricky. However you should be inside, in a private space where you can close the door. It should just be the two of you and you know that no-one will interrupt. In order to enjoy sex (and to get turned on enough to enjoy sex) you need to be relaxed and comfortable. Being worried about being interrupted (eg a parent coming back from work) can seriously affect erections and vaginal lubrication.
Sometimes parents or carers will allow their kids to do it in their house, or might ‘turn a blind eye’ if they go out for an evening, or they might not. Remember it can be difficult for parents to deal with this: what would you do if you were a parent of a teen?
Make Sure You’re Both Really Turned On
If you aren’t really feeling it then don’t do it! Both people need to be turned on and relaxed for sex to feel good.
If a female is really turned on then her vagina will usually be quite moist; if it isn’t then the sex may feel painful, especially if the vaginal corona is tight. The vagina expands and relaxes when sexually aroused (turned on), this means that fingers, a toy or a penis should slide in without it hurting. Getting turned on can take longer for girls than guys , so stroking, nibbling, kissing, holding, is very important.
For more about the vagina and the importance of touching the clitoris go here
For extra wetness use some water based lubricant: for anal sex or sex with toys, use loads of it (the anus doesn’t respond to sexual arousal in the same way as the vagina does). Water based lube is safe to use with condoms.
It’s also important for males to be turned on before they have sex. If you’re planning on entry sex with a penis then the penis needs to be hard. It can be hard to get a hard on sometimes: nerves, pre-sex tension, worries (‘will they like it’, ‘this is the first time anyone has seen my hard on’, ‘will their parents be back soon’ etc) can all seriously affect the hardness of a penis. Once an erection arrives it can soon go away too. Getting turned on is more than just having a hard penis, you have to be really feeling up here (*points to brain*) too.
For more about erections and penises go here
Not everyone experiences pleasure and arousal in the same way. Although it can take the same time for males and females to have an orgasm it depends on the kind of sex they have. Usually males orgasm more easily from penis-in-vagina sex than females. So as the graph shows, if a male and female have sex and she is not really turned on first, she won’t be enjoying sex nearly as much as him. This is why foreplay and feeling comfortable and relaxed is really important before entry sex.
So if you are having sex with someone it’s important to talk about the kind of sex that you can both enjoy. The key is to remember that it’s different for everyone and that not everyone is going to respond in the same way to each other. There’s a lot more to sex than just entry sex.
If You’re Having Entry Sex
They make entry sex look dead easy in films – one person gets in between the legs of the other and easily slides into them – but it’s not as easy as it looks. If you’re doing it for the first time then it’s a good idea to masturbate each other for a bit first. You could also insert a wet, finger inside your partner first. Do this slowly and carefully. When your partner is more relaxed you can move your finger around and then insert another finger. This makes the opening big enough to insert a penis or toy. It helps for other person to guide their partner to the right place.
Then put the hard penis (inside a condom) or toy inside, slowly at first, then gradually build up the speed and hardness. Once the penis is sliding in and out easily you can decide to move more quickly and hard, or do it slowly and deeply. It’s important to check out with each other all the way through that it’s feeling good. Keep talking and look at the face and eyes of each other to check that you’re both enjoying it.
Finding The Right Position
In my opinion people are a bit obsessed with the right position for sex. Finding the right position depends on what you both like, how mobile you are and what kind of sex you want. There are no rules and no magic positions: just do what feels good. If you’re doing it for the first time it might be best to choose a position where you are both facing each other. Communication (both with or without words) is easier when you can see each others faces.
I also made this hilariously bad video about sex positions.
And I write this about Sex Positions too.
Keep Talking and Listening
Talking is very important in sex, as is listening. If your partner is doing something that you really don’t like, or something you haven’t agreed to, then STOP.
However if your partner is doing something that isn’t great but not bad, then you could encourage them to do what you do like by saying things like “you’re really good at …” or “when you do it this way it feels amazing.” Think about saying exactly what you want and what your limits are, before having sex.
Talk about what sex you want with your partner in advance, OMG Yes, Not For Me, Hmmmm
You can talk to each other about what feels good while you’re doing it. But remember we can also communicate through other noises, facial expressions and the way we touch each other.
For example if someone is saying ‘mmmmmm’ that’s great, if they’re saying something that sounds more like ‘ow’ that’s not so great. People get confused about what they see and hear in porn when it comes to sex noises. There’s a lot of screaming and shouting in porn which to some ears sounds like it’s hurting – usually that’s just not very good acting. Sex noises are usually a lot more subtle in real life. Someone really enjoying sex could just be breathing more heavily and quickly, like a mild asthma attack (though of course, it could just be an asthma attack).
Checking out your partner’s facial expressions can give you a clue as to how much they are enjoying it – good eye contact and a smile is a sign that things are great. However sex faces can sometimes be a bit confusing, some people screw up their faces sometimes which can look like it’s hurting when they are actually just concentrating. If in doubt, ask: “Is this ok?” or “how’s this?” Whisper it if you feel a bit shy.
Sexing couples can also touch each other to show that they are enjoying it. Holding hands and arms and giving an occasional squeeze can indicate whether a particular thing they are doing is good or not. It’s also ok to physically move your partner’s hand, fingers or body if you’d rather they did something else.
You can learn more about how to do Sex Talking here.
OMG Orgasms Explained
Great sex doesn’t have to have to be involve orgasms, but lots of people like to try and have one when they have sex. Remember that often women find it more difficult to orgasm from sex than men. It takes women longer than men to get turned on and also just penetration doesn’t do it for most women (only something like 30% of females can orgasm from vaginal sex).
Having an orgasm, from penetration, at the same time as your partner, is rare and is something that happens in films, TV and books more than in real life. For example in 50 Shades of Grey between page 118 and 122 Grey and Steele have two lots of simultaneous orgasms – this is a fantasy.
Some people have trouble working out whether they are having an orgasm during sex. In a sense it doesn’t really matter so long as they are feeling sexual pleasure from it. Masturbation is they best way to help you to understand what turns you on and can make sex better as it’s often easier to have orgasms alone (with your own hands and fingers) than with someone.
How Good Should Sex Feel?
If you do all of this, with someone you like and trust, then sex can feel pretty amazing. How great sex feels is difficult to say but sometimes it feels nice, comforting, intimate. Sometimes it feels exciting, exhilarating, passionate, knee trembling. Sometimes both! If it feels bad, disgusting, scary-in-a-bad-way, unsafe, boring, just something you are doing because you think you ought to: then why are you doing it at all?
Ask Bish | Help Me Overcome My Sex Fear Agony Uncle advice from me.
Should I Have Sex? Looking at some of the good and bad reasons for having sex, why people regret sex and how to make it really good
First Time Sex Quiz Myths and truths about first time sex in a ‘fun’ quiz!
OMG YES, Hmmmm, Nah – ideas on how to work out what sex you both might wanna try
Doing Stuff if you aren’t ready for ‘entry sex’ but might wanna try dry humping
Consent, Innit On why it’s important to ask first and how hard that can be
© Justin Hancock, Bish Training 2011
If you are over 15 you are allowed to watch this educational video about how to have sex from the people that brought you South Park.