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How To Have Sex

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How To Have Sex

A basic guide for how to have sex and how to make it good, especially for the first time. It should feel nice, not painful or uncomfortable.

People say that first time sex with someone is always rubbish or painful – nonsense.

First time sex should feel really good especially if you know the kind of sex you both want to have, if you feel comfortable together and you can communicate.

Do you want to do it?
Remember that the only reason good reason to have sex is that you actually want to do it. You’re not doing it for anyone else, or to prove yourself, or to say you’ve done it, or to show you love someone etc etc. More about this here.

What is ‘it?’
People often think they know what ‘having sex’ means, but actually they don’t. People are different and they have different ideas about what sex they might want to have. If you rely on ‘what counts’ as sex you may end up not enjoying it or even having sex you haven’t actually agreed to. So try to think about this before you do it and try to communicate this to your partner. More help with this here and here.

Take your time
It’s important to take your time for first time sex, yes to ‘make it special’, but also to make sure that you both have enough time to get comfortable, get turned on and to actually enjoy it. Quickies can be fun, but probably not for first time sex. I know that young people don’t get that much private time where they can be alone, but try and give yourself a couple of hours.

Try to give yourselves a couple of hours so you have enough time to get used to each other and to get over how strange it might feel at first.

Sex should never feel painful at all – if it is please both stop. However it might feel a little bit strange at first and there’s a lot to get used to. Taking clothes off with someone, touching someone and having someone touching you for the first time can all feel really weird at first. So it’s good to have a bit of time to get used to it and to be able to talk about how it’s feeling.

Find the right place
You might not have your own place or have enough cash for a hotel room, so finding somewhere to do it can be tricky. However you should be inside, in a private space where you can close the door. It should just be the two of you and you know that no-one will interrupt.

In order to enjoy sex  you need to be relaxed and comfortable and not worrying about being interrupted.

Sometimes parents or carers will allow their kids to do it in their house, or might ‘turn a blind eye’  if they go out for an evening, or they might not. Remember it can be difficult for parents to deal with this:

0 what would you do if you were a parent of a teen?


Being turned on
If you aren’t really feeling it then don’t do it! Both people need to be turned on and relaxed for sex to be good. Wanting sex and being turned on aren’t the same thing – as you can see here.

Whatever bits you have in your pants, they should be throbbing.

Vaginas will usually be quite moist; if it isn’t then the sex may feel painful, especially if the vaginal corona is tight. The vagina expands and relaxes when sexually aroused (turned on), this means that fingers, a sex toy or a penis should slide in without it hurting. This is why it’s important to get really turned on first with stroking, nibbling, kissing, holding, is very important. Click here for more about the clitoris and vagina.

For extra wetness use some water based lubricant: for anal sex or sex with toys, use loads of it (the anus doesn’t respond to sexual arousal in the same way as the vagina does). Water based lube is safe to use with condoms.

Penises get hard when turned on but not always. It can be hard to get a hard on sometimes: nerves, pre-sex tension, worries (‘will they like it’, ‘this is the first time anyone has seen my hard on’, ‘will their parents be back soon’ etc) can all seriously affect the hardness of a penis. Once an erection arrives it can soon go away too. Remember you don’t need an erect penis to enjoy sex – you really don’t. Sometimes men and women have sex with each other, which is well popular but not for everyone. When they do they can sometimes find that there is a difference between how quickly it takes for them to get aroused. I explain why that is here.

Entry sex
They make entry sex (vaginal or anal sex) look dead easy in films – one person gets in between the legs of the other and easily slides into them –  but it’s not as easy as it looks. If you’re doing it for the first time then it’s a good idea to masturbate each other for a bit first. You could also insert a wet, finger inside your partner first. Do this slowly and carefully. When your partner is more relaxed you can move your finger around and then insert another finger. This makes the opening big enough to insert a penis or toy. It helps for other person to guide their partner to the right place.

If you’re going to have entry sex you need to go really slowly and carefully at first. Nothing should be ‘forced.’

Then put the hard penis (inside a condom) or toy inside, very very slowly at first. Slowly slowly. Keep checking in with each other that this feels okay. If it does then you can gradually build up the speed and hardness if you want. Once the penis is sliding in and out easily you can decide to move more quickly and hard, or do it slowly and deeply.

The ‘best’ position
In my opinion people are a bit obsessed with the right position for sex. Finding the right position depends on what you both like, how mobile you are and what kind of sex you want. There are no rules and no magic positions: just do what feels good. If you’re doing it for the first time it might be best to choose a position where you are both facing each other. Communication (both with or without words) is easier when you can see each others faces. More on positions here.

If you’ve talked about the kind of sex you want to do and don’t want to do then you may have an idea of what to expect. However if things start feeling uncomfortable or not what you expected then you should both stop.

During sex it’s important to really pay attention to whether each other are enjoying it.

You can use words and short phrases (which are often easier to blurt out) whilst you’re doing it. You can also communicate through other noises, facial expressions and the way we touch each other.

In films, TV, porn and books (looking at you Fifty Shades) everyone has orgasms really easily. Orgasms can feel great during sex, but not everyone has them when they have sex with someone. Different people need different kinds of sex and touch to have orgasms. For instance penis in vagina sex is usually more stimulating for the penis than the vagina. Also it can be difficult for people to ‘let go’ during sex and have one. Also when you really want something it can make it harder – you know when you really need to get to sleep but can’t? So try and chill, take the pressure off and just feel what feels nice.

How good should it feel?
If you do all of this, with someone you like and trust, then sex can feel pretty amazing. How great sex feels is difficult to say but sometimes it feels nice, comforting, intimate. Sometimes it feels exciting, exhilarating, passionate, knee trembling. Sometimes both! If it feels bad, disgusting, scary-in-a-bad-way, unsafe, boring, just something you are doing because you think you ought to: then why are you doing it at all?


© Justin Hancock 2015

Title: How To Have Sex

Category: Sex

Tags: Arousal Consent

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  • nisha says:

    very good and challenging

  • Becca says:

    i know this is weird but can you do how to hump a pillow? I get very horny (just so you know I am 19) but my boyfriend is never home because he has to work to pay some of the bills…. so i just want to know how to hump a pillow so if he ever is home we can hump each other and have sex

    • bishtraining says:

      It’s not weird! Lots of people hump pillows. Lots of people find that it gives them just the right amount of pressure on their clitoris and the vulva generally. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it. Perhaps try lying face down on a bed and position the pillow between your legs and then just move your hips around. For more about masturbation in general go here

      Hope this helps!


    • holly says:

      Try being in private and taking all your clothes off and shag the pillow and when your bf is home tell him how your feeling and ask him if he will help you or even mayde be have a shag with you if he does make sure you are close and have a good think about it but if you are remember to where a condom !!!

  • Megan says:

    This may be weird and everything, but Im very horny, and Im not old enough to have sex. I watch horny things, and I feel tingly down there. Why is that? Oh and, Im a girl b.t.w.

    • holly says:

      Try shagging a pillow and when you meet someone and then get a bit older then you can get in it with him but don’t rush into having sex.

  • hassan ahmad says:

    im 9 and im a boy and ill love to have sex but im not old enough to do it what should i do plz help

  • lyn says:

    how can i be sure that i wont be pregnant if my boyfriend wont use condom when we’ll have sex ? he said he’ll just do self control.. he wont cum inside me so our cells wont meet then i wont get pregnant, is that true??

    • Jenna Taylor says:

      No it’s not true, sperm leaks out the penis no matter what, if he won’t wear a condom maybe you should try femidoms (condoms for women) or the pill, there are lots of different things you can do to prevent pregnancies but definitely if your not planning on getting pregnant use some kind of protection

    • bishtraining says:

      Hi Lyn
      You can’t be sure that you won’t get pregnant. If you have penis in vagina sex there is no method of contraception which is 100% safe. Withdrawal of the penis (like you describe) can be reasonably effective if it’s done properly, however because it’s so hard to do properly that many people get pregnant from doing this. I’ve explained more here

      But you are putting yourself at risk of a Sexually Transmitted Infection. If he’s had sex with someone without condoms before he could have an infection that he could give to you (even if he doesn’t ejaculate inside you). Also you could give him an infection if you’ve had unprotected sex.

      Also (this is the most important point I want to make to you) should you be having sex with this guy at all? A good boyfriend is someone that will want to take care of your health. If he respected you and valued you and your health he would use a condom even though he didn’t like using them. Some things are more important than whether a condom feels good or not. If he’s not letting you have your say about your own health choices you could perhaps consider ending this particular relationship.

      Check out my relationship graph here How well is he scoring? Do you trust him? Does he care about you? Is this a guy you want to call your boyfriend?

      If he is, great. Some guys have genuine problems using condoms. He could watch my video about this here which has some advanced user tips to make using condoms easier. Also he could watch my video on how to use condoms

      You could also consider having non-penis in vagina sex. For instance you could have really great non-entry sex, which has all the excitement but non of the risk of entry sex

      You could consider (as Jenna says below) using a more effective method of contraception (birth control). More about this

      Hope this helps


  • Im 9 years old and i love having sex, but because im not old enough what shall i do ? im a girl by the way.

  • Travis says:

    I’m a 13 year old boy and everything turns me on. Can you tell me how to masturbate with a travel neck pillow? Please reply.

  • Kirston says:

    After reading this, I still honestly don’t know how to have sex. I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 17. He keeps (I guess I would call it) Pressuring me to “Have it” with him. I do want to do it with him, but I’m still really scared to do it, at the same really want to. Any tips or hints on how to overcome my fears??? :O

  • e says:

    im 13 y/o and i have a sex/porn/gay/lesbian/everything else problem. have ruined my moms computer from porn sites abd need help to stop. i want sex ALL the time, its insane. please help me

    • Sophia says:

      Jesus is definitely a start, but if you aren’t a fan of God (which is the best bet for your multiple problems), I would totally suggest counseling.

  • Holly says:

    Hi, I am 12 and I really want to have sex, but I know I am too young, can u give me something to make me feel like I am having sex. Maybe with a pole or pillow or something.
    I am very horny and I need to like get my hand and rub my Virginia until it stops tingling help me????

  • deanna says:

    hey umm im 14 and i have a bf over sea we telk onilne and well i get horny is it ok to have like sex onilne

  • Marina says:

    Hi I’m 17 and a girl and my boyfriend is 19. He had only had sex twice before he and I started, and he and I done it several times and he always uses a condom, but I was just wondering if its possible for a girl to get pregnant even if the guy wears a condom, because my period’s kind of late. I took two pregnancy tests today and both were negative. Any helpful advice? Or do I need to get in contact with Planned Parenthood?

    • bishtraining says:

      It’s *possible* but very unlikely (unless the condom broke and he ejaculated inside you – condom breakages are often quite obvious). The most likely scenario is that your period is late just because periods can be random – particularly for teenage women. This should explain why that is You are probably not pregnant and this is what the tests are saying. However you could take a trip to Planned Parenthood if you want some more peace of mind.

      If you are concerned about avoiding pregnancy you could continue using condoms and use another method of contraception such as birth control pills, implant, IUD, IUS etc (more about this here )

      Or you could continue using condoms but also avoid him ejaculating inside you. This would reduce your pregnancy risks even further (although the risk of pregnancy from using condoms is very low – they are 98.5% effective).

      Hope this helps!


  • s says:

    i want sex alot of the time i love having sex only thing is it feels great but i dont seem to have an orgasam he cums inside me and i feel i want more so i end up watching pon and playing with my self help

    • Sophia says:

      You need a new sex partner. He doesnt please you.

    • bishtraining says:

      Not everyone can have an orgasm from entry sex. Most females (for instance) need external stimulation of the clitoris in order to enjoy sex to the full. It’s fine to continue pleasuring yourself after your partner has cum, he should know that it would be ok (and good) for him to help you out too, or be involved in some way (if this is what you want).

      If he doesn’t show any interest in how much you’re enjoying sex or in trying to meet your sexual needs then perhaps he isn’t the right person for you to be having sex with right now. Have you seen my Relationships Graph? Check it out, it might help you to think about whether this is the right relationship for you at the moment.

      Hope this helps


      • s says:

        the thing is we have been together 3 years now and when we first got together we used to do it all the time and i dident have a problem then but now we dont do it as much as we used to could that be why or do you think there is more to it than that do u think its me

    • bishtraining says:

      It’s very difficult for me to say, but sometimes sexual problems are symptomatic of relationship issues. Do you feel like your needs are being met in the non-sexual aspects of your relationship?

  • Anthony says:

    I’m 9 and I want to have sex. I’m a boy.

    • s says:

      im not encoraging u to have sex but you are too young you need to find things that distract you from the feelings you are having ie pc games xbox ect if all else fails then i dont see its wrong for you to go somewhere quied and where you cant be distracted and pleasure your self ie masturbate there is no harm in that but i would try other distractions first

    • bishtraining says:

      You are too young to have sex.

  • I want to know how sex is doing

  • Charlotte says:

    I am 16 i want to have sex but i dont know how to ask my bf!

  • sam says:

    I m 21 male, how many times can i do masturbation in a month,if i do 4 times in a month it ll causes any my health problem

  • M&M says:

    crap im 111 & i sstill love to have sex!

  • Mattew says:

    What if your 13 and have had sex several times? Lol.. Not saying i have or anything….

  • emily says:

    Are there any other sex positions than the ones on the above info coz me and my bf need a harder one!

  • rose says:

    does it heart the first time

  • joseph h says:

    love sex. A guy can masturbate by lubricating his hand and sliding it up and down his penis. nothing compares to vaginal sex

  • youngjada says:

    This is a great website my first time having sex was at fifteen which was this yr. And I had my child this year I’m twenty years old.the first time was great for me because I got so horny and wet it worked out good until I turned out pregnant and I’m just in the ninth grade.

  • john smith says:

    Hi, I am john. My age is 14 and i have been humping a pillow and i was wondering if it is werid thnx.

    – john

  • v says:

    i’m 11 years old girl.i cannot stop wanting to sex.what should i do?

  • Hannah says:

    you should not hump anything…. wait to you are the right age to hump somthing. think about what else you could do insted of hump something like watch tv or play a game!